i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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