Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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