my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
