just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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