i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
