I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
