Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
