They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
