i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
