shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
