I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
