I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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