After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
