1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Welp...herpes.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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