life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
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We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
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I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
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