at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
