well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
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You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
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he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say