my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me