I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
