enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
