I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
