you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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