Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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