Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
