Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
