so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
