Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
40s are totally the cure
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
