Betty ford says i'm here all night
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
It's like God shit irony all over that family
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
