I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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