This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
