Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
