You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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