I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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