i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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