i was born a porn star she said
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
