Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
