Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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