I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
