I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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