Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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