The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
