2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
