My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
