just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
