Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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