And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
