so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
