Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
