I think I died a long time ago.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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