fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
