you traded sex for a burrito?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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