Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
