Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
