My Higher Power is John Stamos
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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