Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
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i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
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he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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