hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
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