so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
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i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
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Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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