When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize