you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
