Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He's on the porch naked. Help.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
