Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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